The Need to Write

I keep wanting to write in here but I just don't know what to say or what subject matters to tackle...there seem to be so many. And yet at the same time, I don't want to keep kicking a dead horse in here by talking about my mental problems, where I'm at or what I'm sure sounds like complaining about my life. I don't feel the pressure to release everything "good" happening to me however, it's the shit I need to unload.

My first delimna presents itself in the guise of moving on and starting a new life. What does that mean? Lisa and I are seperated (which I still and for a long time will feel like crap for) for a better quality of life for the both of us. Doesn't seem "better" however when you lose your best friend of 11 years. All the memories, good times, pictures, things shared are gone...but not really. They stay hidden in the corner of your eye, ready to blindside you over the smallest noticest detail. This blog for example...I can't write in here without thinking about Lisa and the struggle we were fighting together. And then to be reminded she never walked away from me in the midst of any complication or hardship...I'm the one doing the walking. It's in the virtue of my own good and "becoming" myself. What does that mean? A fresh start? A new life? There are no things...no matter how hard one tries, the past is always connected to the present and future. So how do I handle this fact? No matter where I go or who I surround myself with, the demons are attatched to every foot trying to move forward.

This goes well past any mental illness I may have that I can lable scapegoat. We are going into the depths of "me", to whatever lies or is missing within myself apart from chemical fuckups in the brain. There is where the problems lie, there is where I need a scalpel to pull apart, dissect and amputate. What else gets cut or destroyed in the process however? Is there an essence that is me? Or am I and always have just been a chameleon cockroach that only knows one thing, and that is survival regardless of who takes the falls in order for me to creep back out when the lights are turned off. David, the human cockroach...new tattoo idea? And no, I'm not being harsh or down on myself. I'm working through my thoughts the best way I know how. I'm just typing and at some later date when and if I have the courage I'll revisit to see what exactly I've written. So the few people who may look at this blog have the honored seat of watching my mind grind before I even allow myself entry to this blissful event.

Speaking of other readers...back to a dilemna. Any readers are tied to my past, the David of the past however many years. I feel this stretching in my chest as to what I want or need these people to be to me. By keeping contact, I keep a leg in recent past which is what I'm trying to severe. Do these people get severed as well (some have taken the liberty and severing for me) or not? I know people may be "worried' about me and what's happening in my life but to what end? Where does it lead? Where does it end? Does talking to them make me miss all I've walked away from even more, or is it actually healthy to keep past ties? This is a real question for me...in the past I've always cut ties and moved on. Was that for me, for them? Is it a realistic action to make or do I keep burying my own grave by repeatedly doing it?

You probably won't believe how many times I've almost given Kalliope up because I can't look at her or play with her without thinking of Lisa and everything I'm missing. Or of having her at the Church or people coming over to visit her and myself. What washes over me is a sense of finality, that will NEVER happen again- those connections are now void regardless of any further contact. To anyone in my past I'm now seen as the confused, mentally fucked up guy that picked up and left. That will be the relationship we'll have, even if they have no intention of putting those labels or attatchments on me, I'll do it for them- I don't know how not to.

I can't even type on my laptop here without feeling pain if that makes sense. I haven't been able to touch my books since coming here to my parents, they feel like iron brands in my mind.

So all this talk of the past and past friends and seperation and all the fun cheery details that go with it, I'm still alone. I don't have friends here, I spend my time in my parents house with Kalliope. That can't be good either, but everytime I try to go out, again, the littlest things overwhelm me by making connections to my past friends and Lisa. It's this vicious never-ending cycle that I need to find a way to break. This doesn't get easier for me, it gets worse. And for anyone reading this and "worrying" I may hurt myself...I think I may be past that for now. My new meds are working well, this is just circumstantial life shit I'm waddling through. Grrr...I don't think I've made much progress with this writing other than confuse myself a bit more, but at least I'm getting somethings from my mind to "paper" so it can't be a total loss. It's a good stopping point for me right now because I'm becoming naeseous (?) and my heads spinning a bit.

I always say I'll be back soon to keep writing and weeks go by. I do plan to come back and pick back up soon. I'm not worrying about how this looks or format or making sense so that makes it easier. And there are good things happening as well, they just seem to get overshadowed by the clouds in my mind.

What Happened

Haha, welcome to my roller coaster ride. My friend Nina wrote me an email concerning my last blog entry, about it being the end and such. I had no idea what she was talking about so I checked it out. Ooops.

I'm leaving it there because it's a documentation of what I'm going through with the sickness, I'm doing a lot of things I don't know I'm doing...not black outs, I just don't remember doing things. I've sent emails and texts I don't remember. For those that recieved a text about two Saturdays ago ( I think only Todd and Amy) I had some to drink that night which could explain that but I haven't had anything to drink since.

Things have worsened severely with my state of mind, the ups and downs and I'm not remembering most of my big downs. I've gone OFF on my parents a few times, packed my stuff and left with Kalliope and had more than my share of not being able to get out of bed and missing whole days. I think it's a combination of my mental problems mixed with the enormity of what I'm going through...the meds aren't handling it.

I went off my meds last Thursday (by Dr. orders) and I start a new but more dangerous drug tomorrow. I have to have all the previous drugs out of my system before starting this new one. We're doing it because we've reached a fairly extreme place in my treatment. Hopefully this will work but I'm having REALLY serious reactions to being off of my meds. Today I'm having electrical pulses shoot through my body and brain and different times (which is kinda cool, I've never felt anything like this).

I'm losing my train of thought so let me finish this and then add more later.

I'm Sorry to anyone reading this for the previous post and anything else I may have said and don't remember. I have hopes for the new drug (it's a patch and it'll be the only thing I'm on), it's supposed to be very effective, just hard on the body.

Let me say it again: SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!! And sorry for the future screw ups.

End of Blog

I don't see the point of continuing this blog, I really don't think anyone reads it much less cares. So the blog will be dropped. For the people that did or used to read it, this is it for us. Everyone from my past will be cut out. I'd glad people have been there for Lisa, she needs it. Not one person has been there for me. In the midst of being suicidal, going through something just as hard as Lisa, losing my counseling and what not and being forced back into the abusive family that made me who I am, only ONE person contacted me once and then never again. I don't know anyone here, but I don't know anyone there either, so fuck it. I was trying very hard NOT to be an island, with your help that is what I have become. Don't be surprised if you find soon I'm not in MD anylonger and you cannot find me.

David

Random thoughts from the Mentally ill

I love saying that I have a mental illness, well quite a few...makes me special ; ) My last entry I said I would talk about the suicide attempt. That's boring though, who wants to hear about the hypnotic entrancing experience of watching your own blood run and then drip onto the floor, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. A syrupy red dropping, being drawn to a pool of blood already on the floor, making perfect concentric circles of the thick liquid as each drop causes a mini explosion in the middle of the already freed salty ocean of release, forcing tiny droplets to explore their own mysterious world outside their nurturing universe of artistic imbalance.

So who would like to hear about that? Not me, been there done that. So I'm just going to give an update of what's going on.

The first two weeks after getting out of the hospital were a bit, well a lot unsteady and hard. I was doing better mentally though. The dosages of my meds were increased, after that I actually started to feel fairly good and was a bit more productive, social and actually looked somewhat forward to doing things and being around people. I started to feel like my "old" self and as a result becoming more confident.

A week ago let's say it all came crashing down. I went from a feeling of progress and slowly handling my life to being almost where I was before the hospital. Just like that. No triggers, no warning...just boom- Screw you David. Since then I've been up and down, my ups not close to what they were. I'm talking about being able, scratch that, wanting to sleep all day. And if I do, I have no problem at all sleeping at night as well.

Lisa and I adopted a puppy, (Kalliope, one of the Greek Muses out of nine. She is the Muse of epic poetry), and she is adorable...I feel in love with her before we even saw her in person. She conquered all my expectations and is more spectacular than I could imagine. She is what draws me out of bed, gets me out walking and caring for her. She is completely dependant on me and it that fact lifts me to a level inexplainable for me. I'll talk about her more later.

So went to the psychiatrist today, (my medicine guru, and that he is), and we are changing the meds a bit due to the relapse of depression. So I'm still on Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Lyrica, Trazadone, and Ativan. I was on Pristiq but he is taking me off and starting me on Cymbalta instead. He has more confidence in that med anyway. So lets keep fingers crossed and hope Karma isn't out to fuck with me more lol.

Alright, I'm tired now so I'm ending this post. I may start my next post soon or in 2-3 months!

Ugh, where to start

I'm restarting my blog again, please read the above statement "Disclaimer." I'm going to draw attention to that for awhile because that is one of the reasons I'm blogging.

This is not going to be an organized and edited blog. What you see is what you get. I'll jump around, make no sense sometimes and refuse to edit to create something that makes sense...mostly because just writing in the blog is going to take most of my energy lol.

So I don't overburden myself, I may start off with smaller posts and do them throughout the day or just one post a day or maybe once a month lol. Well, that's it for today actually. Lisa came home and we spent some good time together and now it's time for bed for me.

Coming up next...The Sucuide Attempt: Entering the Mind of the Mentally Ill.

A Godly Wife

It's about 10 pm on Thursday night and I'm tired and stressed from school. Deciding to take a break from studying for some reason I wanted to go to a christian forum to see what's being talked about. I like to weigh my beliefs against what feels like is being shouted from comtempory christian sites. This is the first post that I came across at the particular forum I decided to visit off of google:


Scriptures on a Godly Woman's DutiesOur Duty Towards our Husband:
* I am to be my husbands helper (aid, assistant) Gen. 2:18
* My body belongs to my husband, also. 1 Cor. 7:3-5
* I am to be a fruitful vine. Ps. 128:3
* I am to SUBMIT to my husband. 1 Peter 3:5,6
* I am to LOVE my husband. Titus 2:4
* I am to LEARN from my husband. 1 Cor. 14:34,35
* I am to REVERENCE my husband. Eph. 5:33
* I am to be TRUSTWORTHY. Proverbs 31:11,12
* I am to be OBEDIENT to my own husband. Titus 2:5
* I am to be his COMPANION. Mal 2:14
* I am to be a PRUDENT (act wisely)wife. Pr. 19:14
* I am to do my husband GOOD and not evil all the days of his life. Pr. 31:12
* I am not to bring shame to my husband. Pr. 12:4
* I am not to be a contentious wife. Pr. 19:13,21:9


A few threads later, I come across a plea from a man who complains his wife is too domineering and controlling and he desires to know what he should do. The is the response, and from a female moderator on the board:


Yellowjacket,I answered this thread and posted it and it vanished!Read through some of the things here in the Marriage and Relationship topic.I am afraid I have to agree with you because I see too many Christian women who are bossy and dominant with their husbands which is against the Bible.Nothing against you personally but do not allow yourself to be intimidated any longer.Put your foot down and do it in a Godly way.If she does not want to comply then she is wrong.I am not judging either one of you only telling you what the Bible says.A wife is to be under her husband's subjection.She is to be submissive to him.And if they are both Christians then there is no problem because the love and respect between you two brings a perfect balance to the marriage.

OMG, I'm afraid if I stop laughing I'm going to cry. Lisa is out of town tonight visiting family. I must make plans to reestablish my Godly control over her for when she returns and reset her on the Godly male path...

Quick Update #2

I haven't really been posting lately, I feel like I've been reserving my mental energy for when school starts. I’m a bit nervous about starting school next week. I’ll be taking three classes…Phil 101, Recent American Poetry and Reading/Writing about Text. I’m a bit anxious about the whole process of going back and GMU in particular. Time constraints…actually going…understanding the classes…being the old man in the class----these are some of the areas my anxious thoughts are gravitating towards. But I’m also excited as well. I like learning and I think I’ve been to hard on myself in the past. I do great when it comes to memorizing and facts, but the classes where I’ve had to think critically I kinda bomb and I feel overwhelmed. It’s just the fact I’ve never been taught how to do that, which is something I’ve been working on and hopefully that third class will help with. So I’m nervous but hopeful.

Work has been going alright. Working the Mid shift is having it’s toll on me and I look forward to when this year is over. I’m so tired when I wake up in the afternoon and I don’t get to the gym like I’d like to. I’m hoping to have time at work to study and do homework though I realize that may be impossible some nights. Not everyone knows how to be quiet and leave people alone!

Not really a whole lot to report right now. It’s only midnight and I’m already tired and my mind is sluggish so I’m going to end the update here. Hope everyone is doing well.